Victims of Divorce

Victims of divorce - the phrase makes you think of the children. I want to talk about the “me” in the divorce….the “me” victim. The cause for divorce is not always 50-50 sometimes it is more like 80-20. I am talking to the “me -20 percenters”. We made our mistakes in the marriage – we openly regret them – we lived repentance for them sometimes for years in a marriage. We want restoration, we want to love and be loved. Despite our mistakes, we do one thing well. We stick to our marriage vows. We made a vow to our partner – a vow for life. We have every intention of keeping it because our devotion and love are real.

Our partner’s isn’t. They say it is when they need us, but they change their minds when a willing somebody shows up at a convenient moment. They say they need us when they need a whipping post to feel big for a moment in time. So we take the abuse – verbal, mental, physical, spiritual – every part of our Living – every part of who we are. Why? Because we want them to love us. We want our marriages to work. We don’t want to give up.

But the inevitable happens, often through bitter horror that only those who have suffered like we have understand. Then we must go on. It would be easier, had they died. Not that we wanted them to die, although there are times we might wish that! But rather we wanted the wound to close and heal. If there are children, if we live in a small town, if our family lives are intertwined in other ways, if we have other life connections - we face unexpected moments of ‘wounding” over and over.

Will I ever get over this? The classic question. Sometimes we seek professional counseling because we feel such a cutting apart of ourselves. We want the emotions to go away. Especially the deep-hearted anger. I think in the spiritual sense we should feel this deep cutting apart that wounds us so. This feeling of tearing apart and deep-hearted anger is our confidence that our marriage vows were real to us, our devotion was righteous. Let it be your confidence; not your undoing.

It does take time to heal. But you cannot build bitterness against your ex-partner. Bitterness does not punish him or her….it punishes only you. Draw a line in the virtual sand and say you no longer affect me here – this is my day of freedom from your tyranny. But don’t think I am going to tell you that anger is wrong and you should lay it down! Oh no! Your life may have continued, you may have remarried – or you may be filled with happiness and have hit that moment again where you step outside and take a big deep breath of air with your arms raised to the sun and say to yourself “Wow! I am so happy today! What a beautiful day!” without a thought of your ex-partner. BUT, when they come into view as you pass them in the grocery store, see them at church or a restaurant, hand off the children to them, find your Thanksgiving at your adult child’s house includes your ex-partner and another new lover, or even find a photo as you go through old things – that anger wells within you. Let it have its moment – not a long one but let it be your confidence. Like the man who was nearly burned alive trying to save his wife from the crash site. The pain is his confidence that he gave all he had, sacrificed his very own well being to save her. The only regret is that it wasn’t enough – not that HE didn’t do what was right or enough. Your anger is the confidence that you gave all you had, sacrificed your very own well being to save your marriage. The anger is regret that it was not enough – not that YOU didn’t do what was right or enough.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE HEALTHY WHEN……
You have a slight twinge of sorrow for them
You may have a sense of pity – even if it is ever-so-slight
You do not seethe with an overwhelming wish of harm on them
You are filled, sometimes to your surprise with a deep hearted anger but you can cut if off after a moment
You ask yourself – why can’t I get over this – is this normal?
Your reaction is kept to yourself

Remember the anger! It is your confidence! It is a your gift from God that says you are my righteous one! Rock on with God!