I feel self-reflective today. I cannot say with certitude who I am or what I think of myself. If I were a painter, I might do a self-portrait to study me, but being who I am I can't take time for that nor have I the talent. I am reading a friend's written thoughts poured out over years - her emotions, spirituality, and reasons now confined by words and phrases some of which I cannot make sense of for myself, some of which are profound- but are all her.
I don't want to work this week. Maybe I look old enough to retire - is that justification? Can working change the uncertainty of the future - I think not - but my reason tells me it will change how well I am fortified in the uncertainty of the future.
I don't want to diet this week. Maybe I look old enough that being sensibly unfat doesn't matter anymore. Can dieting change my aging old self? I think not - but reason tells me it will change how healthy I am in the great years to come.
I don't want to exercise this week. Maybe I look old enough that being winded after a short sprint across campus is quite normal. Can exercising really change the vigor of my step or will it just increase the limpity step-limp endued upon me by the 50's.
So, rather than write or paint, I took a photo self portrait. I won't post them all. I guess I look young enough to still work, heavy enough to diet and exercise, wrinkly enough to spend money on beauty products, plain enough to enjoy being average, unique enough to be me. Do I like me? Most of the time I like me just fine. Once in a while I think I need to slap me – but not today.
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2 comments:
Sometimes it's nice to just throw reason to the wind, though, isn't it? And imagine ourselves in something else, somewhere else, someone else's skin.....
Mostly I like to imagine myself in my skin - not working!!!
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