Don't see much in VISTA

Unbelievable! I won a computer. I put my name in one hat at the Registrar's covention in Orlando and I won a lovely HP Pavilion Entertainment PC - Windows VISTA edition. Got it on Friday.

Since Friday was a busy day bringing home Ebbie from being spayed and going to my Aunt and Uncle's 50th anniversary celebration for which I was the flower girl. (hmm....m...m..hmm. dates me a little!) - Well, I had no time to configure my new computer so I looked forward to this morning.

9:00 AM, I brought my little mug of coffee with me to my nice little home office. Tonight at 1:00 in the morning I have nothing but curses for the new computer. I can't get the printer installed, it isn't compatible with my Camcorder software, AND I can't find all the utilties and configurations I am used to. I hate it right now.

I finally paid Linksys for a support call to help me - and it is taking her about two hours! She is on the computer remotely right now while I sit here waiting ... Why couldn't I have won a trip to the spa!! Why a computer!

Oh but wait - what do I see? Is it talking back to me....Yeah,,,ah! Pretty Computer! It's talking back to me.....(The printer is going - and now she's singing to the tune of Pretty Woman!)

You should see this think. - plays HD dvd's - live connect to TV - four different photo softwares to manage, modify, display and create with.... Great speakers and love the graphics. Not bad for free...not bad at all!

Gotta go play - finally!

Thinking about Me

I feel self-reflective today. I cannot say with certitude who I am or what I think of myself. If I were a painter, I might do a self-portrait to study me, but being who I am I can't take time for that nor have I the talent. I am reading a friend's written thoughts poured out over years - her emotions, spirituality, and reasons now confined by words and phrases some of which I cannot make sense of for myself, some of which are profound- but are all her.

I don't want to work this week. Maybe I look old enough to retire - is that justification? Can working change the uncertainty of the future - I think not - but my reason tells me it will change how well I am fortified in the uncertainty of the future.

I don't want to diet this week. Maybe I look old enough that being sensibly unfat doesn't matter anymore. Can dieting change my aging old self? I think not - but reason tells me it will change how healthy I am in the great years to come.

I don't want to exercise this week. Maybe I look old enough that being winded after a short sprint across campus is quite normal. Can exercising really change the vigor of my step or will it just increase the limpity step-limp endued upon me by the 50's.

So, rather than write or paint, I took a photo self portrait. I won't post them all. I guess I look young enough to still work, heavy enough to diet and exercise, wrinkly enough to spend money on beauty products, plain enough to enjoy being average, unique enough to be me. Do I like me? Most of the time I like me just fine. Once in a while I think I need to slap me – but not today.

UMM-UMM I LIKE ONIONS

I cooked most of the day away. Tonight we had our home church group at our house. and we generally share a meal. I wanted to make something that was easy so what could be easier than a pot of beef stew? I went to the grocery store and there in the gourmet section of the fresh veggie aisle I saw the cutest little bag - green string mesh all natural-looking - of fresh pearl onions. Wow - they were so cute - like toys for an easy bake oven dish. I ran the frozen ones back. Well, I couldn't very well allow gourmet pearl onions to sit in a pot of plain stew with plain old potatoes and plain old carrots.

So, I came home and researched gourmet potatoes. Do you know that there are 36 kinds of potatoes and Publix sells 10 of them? Back to the store.

I purchased my Green Giant petit purple golds and the best I could do for gourmet carrots was organic crinkle cuts. A little fresh parsley and basil. I was ready to go - with nothing to stew about ...okay - so I am not good with jokes.

Two hours later - I must say I have vowed NEVER to purchases or even look at fresh pearl onions again. There were 82 in the bag. You must snip off both ends with a knife and plop them in boiling water for 30 seconds - no longer!! Then one by one you must carefully peel off the thin layer of dry skin to undercover the shiny white pearl.

That was the good part of the cooking day. However, let's skip to the end. The stew was scrumptious - with hot bread and olive oil from Carraba's. My friends raved about the delicious scents greeting them at the door and how perfect this day was for hot beef stew.

We enjoyed a beautiful dinner under the porch - drizzling rain played quietly in the background, flickers of candle light decorated the table. As we moved to the living room to have our teaching and I picked up the bowls - I discovered that most of my guests do not like onions. So I ground them down the garbage disposal. Not me - I ate every one of them!

Nothing Much

My friend tore her toe nail off. I wasn't very sympathetic. The first thing I thought was that she wouldn't be going with me to the Jazz event at Bok Tower. So maybe her company was more important than my sympathy. Never-the-less I sent her a picture of my perfectly manicured toenails. - All five of them on one foot. I guess I wasn't very sympathetic.

Ebbie, my mini schnauzer is such a cute pup. I love her sleepiness. She awkwardly jumps on the couch next to me - usually takes two attempts. She makes little baby grunting noises. THen she really loves it when big brother Buster snuggles in with her. They are so cute sleeping nose-to-nose. Look. They are so cute. They all have sweaters on because it is so cold out. Jack, our SPCA dog must have had a pampered beginning. He knew how to put a sweater on. One foot - then the other.

I want to complain about weekends. They make you do things you shouldn't. I have no problem staying on a diet during the week. But on weekends? It is torturous. It's like - well the weekends are time off from work. They don't count against you for vacation time. They are free time...so why can you just make the free from everything. If they don't count for vacations they shouldn't count for diets.

I have company this weekend. Not really company more like a life-long heart friend. It is an amazing relationship. She is my daughter-in-law's mother. Can you believe? We are very close and I love seeing her. But I hate her beautiful figure...I would never say that out loud.

All is well as I adjust to the fact that it is really 6:15 but feels like it is really 5:15 because we changed the clocks ahead and now I have to get used to it being 6:15 the way it really is,

Victims of Divorce

Victims of divorce - the phrase makes you think of the children. I want to talk about the “me” in the divorce….the “me” victim. The cause for divorce is not always 50-50 sometimes it is more like 80-20. I am talking to the “me -20 percenters”. We made our mistakes in the marriage – we openly regret them – we lived repentance for them sometimes for years in a marriage. We want restoration, we want to love and be loved. Despite our mistakes, we do one thing well. We stick to our marriage vows. We made a vow to our partner – a vow for life. We have every intention of keeping it because our devotion and love are real.

Our partner’s isn’t. They say it is when they need us, but they change their minds when a willing somebody shows up at a convenient moment. They say they need us when they need a whipping post to feel big for a moment in time. So we take the abuse – verbal, mental, physical, spiritual – every part of our Living – every part of who we are. Why? Because we want them to love us. We want our marriages to work. We don’t want to give up.

But the inevitable happens, often through bitter horror that only those who have suffered like we have understand. Then we must go on. It would be easier, had they died. Not that we wanted them to die, although there are times we might wish that! But rather we wanted the wound to close and heal. If there are children, if we live in a small town, if our family lives are intertwined in other ways, if we have other life connections - we face unexpected moments of ‘wounding” over and over.

Will I ever get over this? The classic question. Sometimes we seek professional counseling because we feel such a cutting apart of ourselves. We want the emotions to go away. Especially the deep-hearted anger. I think in the spiritual sense we should feel this deep cutting apart that wounds us so. This feeling of tearing apart and deep-hearted anger is our confidence that our marriage vows were real to us, our devotion was righteous. Let it be your confidence; not your undoing.

It does take time to heal. But you cannot build bitterness against your ex-partner. Bitterness does not punish him or her….it punishes only you. Draw a line in the virtual sand and say you no longer affect me here – this is my day of freedom from your tyranny. But don’t think I am going to tell you that anger is wrong and you should lay it down! Oh no! Your life may have continued, you may have remarried – or you may be filled with happiness and have hit that moment again where you step outside and take a big deep breath of air with your arms raised to the sun and say to yourself “Wow! I am so happy today! What a beautiful day!” without a thought of your ex-partner. BUT, when they come into view as you pass them in the grocery store, see them at church or a restaurant, hand off the children to them, find your Thanksgiving at your adult child’s house includes your ex-partner and another new lover, or even find a photo as you go through old things – that anger wells within you. Let it have its moment – not a long one but let it be your confidence. Like the man who was nearly burned alive trying to save his wife from the crash site. The pain is his confidence that he gave all he had, sacrificed his very own well being to save her. The only regret is that it wasn’t enough – not that HE didn’t do what was right or enough. Your anger is the confidence that you gave all you had, sacrificed your very own well being to save your marriage. The anger is regret that it was not enough – not that YOU didn’t do what was right or enough.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE HEALTHY WHEN……
You have a slight twinge of sorrow for them
You may have a sense of pity – even if it is ever-so-slight
You do not seethe with an overwhelming wish of harm on them
You are filled, sometimes to your surprise with a deep hearted anger but you can cut if off after a moment
You ask yourself – why can’t I get over this – is this normal?
Your reaction is kept to yourself

Remember the anger! It is your confidence! It is a your gift from God that says you are my righteous one! Rock on with God!